! 
"To receive the love of God is to recognize it is all around us, above us and beneath us; speaking to us through every person, every flower, every trial and situation."
- - - - - - I've embraced that long time ago. I asked for wisdom and I was given difficulties with hidden lessons to learn. I asked for patience and I was given delays. I asked for faith and God gave me LOVE.
Through the years of finding myself, I found God. He gave me a treasure what others find worthless. From brokeness He molded me as His servant and now that I'm ready, it's time to carry out my purpose.
The job has never been easy. More often than not, it's depleting! Just like now when I feel like running on a treadmill, keeping the pace but getting nowhere; when all the water in the river runs dry, thirst unquenchable to all inhabitants.
I'm beginning to doubt myself. I don't know if I can heed His call. Where am I putting all those what I heard from Him? I've known His heart. But being a human, I know I'm prone to fail.
Several years ago, I attended a seminar about angels. My friends and I had fun learning to feel and see the angels' presence. Angels, as how they describe themselves, are droplets of God's eternal light. They appear in human form with enormous wings to provide us a concrete evidence that they exist. I remember some of my friends were able to see cherubs 
floating around with curly gold hair and innocent smile. Cherubs are the only ones among the angels with facial form.
Anyways, it was then that I was able to buy my own angel cards which are made of plain stationary boards usually used in making invitation cards. Each has an inscription, taken from the bible; simplified for easy understanding. Before obtaining a reading, one must begin praying for enlightenment, invoke the help of the angels, ask your question and finally shuffle the cards. After shuffling, one has to spread the cards on a surface and FEEL which card belongs to the question. From my experience, a card would just magnet itself to my hand as I go across; this card more often than not holds the answer to my question.
More than a decade, I presented my first question: Where are you my one true love? And this is what I got:
Back then I did not understand why I got these cards. I was expecting a "clue" but instead I was given a definition. But each time I would yearn for someone, an inner voice will suddenly echo in my mind reminding that "Love never fails."
For the past 11 months, God has been bombarding me with answers I've yearned to know. Unexpected it came, so suddenly it swept me off my feet. If I am going to recall the events in my life, God has certainly guided me through everything. I am more than convinced that The Almighty weaves my life into colorful and vibrant hues. Like a heavy rain, I thought I have received my signs from above in one downpour. But, I guess, when things are meant to happen, events fold in synchrony. Like the relation between the inscription stated in the angel card that I got years back to the responsorial psalm that Fr. Jesse (officiating priest) handpicked for my Church union with Ervin in June. Things are connected; some intertwined. Fascinating.
With all these things happening, my love for Ervin deepens even more. It only proves that we are two souls coupled by the heavens, meant to share a love that transcends any boundaries and grow spiritually to return all the favors to God by serving as true Christians on earth.
It's Sunday morning here and it's my favorite day of the week. Nothing much to do but rest from the tiring tasks and issues of the week. TV is one tool which gives me an escape from reality; sometimes it acts as buffer to the real pain which continously dig and scar my emotions.
So, I grabbed the remote control lying on my bed and began surfing channels. After a couple of stop and search, I landed on Bo Sanchez's inspiring talk about Happiness on Ch 4. He narrated about the story of the King who, out of fear to lose the challenge. filled the cup of the Beggar with all his wealth. The cup was never filled, it was like filling a bottomless pit. The King gave up and kneeled asking the Beggar what the cup was made of. The Beggar then replied, "this is a cup of an ungrateful heart. Nothing will ever satisfy it."
Bo's teaching several lessons on his lecture this morning. Like a hand that gently wipes the creases on the fabric, my troubled heart rests. I will always remember how the gardener felt when he planted the mosso bamboo tree. For several years nothing sprouted from the ground as if death conquered it. But the gardener patiently waited and hoped something will come out. Then one day, overnight it grew, one foot it emerged from where the seed was planted. Day by day, it grew soaring higher and higher from the earth. The mosso bamboo tree has a unique characteristic. It grows its roots kilometers of depth underground establishing achorage first before it appears in sight. Bo's words reverberated in my mind . . "God is establishing His roots in you my friends.. so be prepared."
What do you do when you know that the truthful words will hurt the one you love? As much as you'd like it to be the key to unchain the person from the inner cage of inquietude, outspokenness only generates snag dragging the person back to confinement. 
I was with a friend, Lynn, this afternoon, driving around the city with no direction until the aroma of Starbucks coffee steered our senses on the way to SM. Ahhh my first taste of caffeine after 8 months!!! 
It actually helped pacify the gnawing feeling which has been splitting apart my sanity 
for the last 24 hours. Lynn parked her CRV south side and trod the hot concrete across the parking area and up the stairs to the mall. It's really fun to be out window shopping in a mall with a girl friend. Small pretty things like this, I cannot trade for a bar of chocolate. Hee hee
Just before dusk, we headed back to the parking area. Hand in hand, (PDA!@!.... oh well, no Sr. Catherine around 
) Lynn began spilling her words of wisdom one by one. Surprisingly a significant moment happened just after she uttered "Gina, maybe God wants to show His work through you..." - there, just a few feet away from where we were standing, revealed a heart shaped wet patch on the pavement. Heart, for love. Yeah,.. I got it!
Later this evening, I went to church with my mother and sister. Caught up in my own web of discernment, I was brought back to the real world by the priest's sermon which emphasized on MERCY and COMPASSION. God precisely has talked to me today. I know exactly what he wants me to learn and execute. I just don't know if I can do it! I need His strength and I need it now badly.
I once dreamt of you..
You're about 3 years old, a chubby with long curly hair and an impish smile. You look exactly like your Papa and with every move, with every step and with every dance, you make everyone jump with joy.
I will always remember how proud you made Mama feel.
I once dreamt of you..
We were in the middle of a field loving the best of what nature could offer. Papa held you dearly protecting you from all the dirt and itches, he dressed you all in white. When he became tired, we sat in-between the cluster of weeds and gave you to me. We were having such a great experience when all of a sudden you became ill.
I could still recall the dreaful feeling worry caused me. When I saw you weakening, a knot formed in my stomach and my heart was beating so fast, my chest almost exploded.
I'm so glad I have my dreams with you in it. For even a moment, I got the chance to be holding you and left me traces of pleasure for being a mom. Maybe it isn't time for us to meet in the real world yet. Maybe Papa and Mama are still being prepared by God to suit the job of parenting and part of it,the doctors are now working on Mama's health so it will be conducive for you inside my womb when it's time for me to conceive. I maybe anxious about seeing you already, but I know there's always time for everything and God is never late, never early, He is always just right on time.
We will wait for you here baby. Loving you already. See you someday.....
Why does waiting have to be this hard?? It always presents uncertainties and I hate it when things are uncertain. Maybe Ervin and I are impatient, but it's like we are racing against time. When I got my period last January, both of us felt frustrated but eyeing anxiously for another chance in June. The bleeding barely lasted 4 days and it was kinda unusual for me because normally, I would have it for 5 days till a week. But, ok, I did not amplify any issue on that; maybe it came on short supply! But came February 17 and did not endure the day?!? My first reaction was surprisingly frightened. I thought I'm having an early retirement on ovulation. Zapping
back to reality, I immediately consulted my Ob-Gyn via text and was advised to take a pregnancy test right away. And so I did.
My first pregnancy test was a mixture of excitement, happiness and a little bit of fear. 
When just a single purple band appeared on that tiny testing plate after a while of waiting, I was at first in denial - the instruction said 3 mins of waiting should reveal the result but even after I threw the kit to the garbage can later than 5minutes, I pulled it out to see if there was really just a single band. My eyes did not lie.
I just took another test, this time sent the urine sample to the hospital thinking - maybe they have a more accurate reading. I don't feel the symptoms yet, just lethargy and some light headedness and they say that pregnancy differs from one to the other... I surfed the net and found this site where they offer AM I PREGNANT? QUIZ and finished it with the result stating -------------------------------
| Am I Pregnant? Quiz | |
Now, my Ob Gyn wants to put me on medication. Duphaston for 5 days, twice a day. She said that if I menstruate after the 5th day, then I really am not pregnant and the possibility of bleeding problem looms, but IF after the 5th day and no menstrual flow occured, then WE HAVE A VERY VERY GOOD NEWS!!!
I'm yearning to be a mom. I may actually appear like a deranged person, but with my hands on my tummy, I talk to my baby saying to hold on and be still. Nine months is such a short time and we will go through it all.
We must not be afraid to make decisions. We have a Guide who shows us the truth and leads us to the Spirit. We only have to tune in to our hearts and be still.
When you turn to the right or when you turn to the left, your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying "This is the way, walk in it."
I just attended a meaningful meeting about the search for truth headed by our parist priest in cooperation with the RGS nuns at SBC. There was a meaty discussion about the political crisis in our country where corruption is an incurable disease. As I was listening to the yearnings of each one of us present, I realized a lot have just waited for something or someone to come out and go against the flow.
We just shouldn't stop the search for truth but we should practice living in truth. The time has come for a moral revolution - old habits should be thrown out the window and adapt a better attitude. I know at the bottom of my heart, there's hope in this country. Steady and consistent blow of patriotism will embark major change in the manner of living among the Filipinos. This is the reason why I'm joining the bundle who will begin weaving a mantle of truth, hope and justice in our locality; small beginning, lasting results. All in the lap of the Gods.
Yearning for a love-filled day; Waiting for the other shoe to join her way; new path to tread; the pull seems hard to get.
I've been thinking; 
-have I just expected too much from the universe to furnish me a smooth and unsullied V Day? (since it was my first time to celebrate Hearts Day, married.) All "firsts" count, you know....
-or; maybe I needed someone to swallow my bitter pill because there has been some irritating issues going on lately...
Admittedly, my V Day turned out to be a disaster! Initially, hubby mentioned something early that day, which was like a stone thrown out to a placid lake that caused wavelets of distemper. 
As when the calm water of sanity is about to disperse the ripples of annoyances, another stone was thrown out - MY GIFT from hubby!! - which looked like more of a floral arrangement for All Souls Day, rather than for annual celebration of Lovapalooza! 
THere! The ripple became a wave and the wave became a tsunami; 
I lost my temper and threw a hissy fit. I made someone ask the flower shop if they could just rearrange the flowers into a bouquet instead for I couldn't bear the thought that if it remained that way, hubby's gift will just shoot directly to the garbage can after I got home. 
In retrospect, setting aside galling issues between me and hubby, I think I asserted my own right to be happy that day. I mean, hubby exerted effort despite our distance and he paid quiet a dear amount just to profess 
and reassure his undying love for me. Afterall, I think the flower shop gained more profit by having recovered the pot and the motley of leaves....
Wishing everyone a heart full of love and compassion!! . . . . You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
Recently, the relic of St Therese of the Child Jesus went around Batangas and last Sunday's stop was here at the Basilica. 
People were everywhere that night, anxiously waiting for the saint's relic; most of them clasped a handful of white and red roses to offer. While in the midst of jubilation, a flashback of fresh memories from my mental treasure box materialized. It was very vivid which brought both sadness and happiness back on the scene.
Sad - because I will always remember the first time the relic came and we drove all the way to Sta. Teresita with a group of friends. Some of who were very close to me passed away after a year or two. I wouldn't know if their wishes were granted. Guess it will remain a mystery for me since their stories stopped spinning.
Happy - because I thought I'll never ever get my wish. 
Goodness, it took a world of tour for my favorite saint to find someone meant for me!! But St. Therese made the impossible, possible. I have received my gift from her two months before she came.
That night, different from all other nights, I whispered a venerating appreciation as she passed by in front of my presence. I was about to make another wish, but on second thought, I think I'll make a pass and allow St. Therese to work on other requests. Hee hee
Several days ago, my hubby asked me to check on Louella's account at friendster (his sister - my sister in law) because he wanted me to hear the song incorporated in her slideshow. He liked it but I haven't actually heard of it yet. I had the chance to look into it just a while ago and wow!!! He really is right! It's a very nice song and in fact seized the worry of finding a song for our AVP presentation in June.
My Idea of Heaven is waking up in the morning with you, holding me, honey...
HE . . . .
gears 
my life
towards
good direction . .
My body is shouting for a relief from stress. For the first time ( ) I acknowledged my friend's sudden remark when we saw each other yesterday after 2 months of being out of touch. it was a point-blank comment that verbally supported what my brain has been complaining. "I feel old... not only that,.. I think I aged... just a bit.. " YELP!!! It's all stress and angst and frustrations ... gee ... the muscles in my face felt heavy,.. sometimes I think I need a facelift! I'm into Goji Berry Juice,.. the cost hurt a bit for a juice drink, but I did not mind... it says it energizes and builds LIFE FORCE... hmm that's what I need!! and so I grabbed it!!
I used to discuss wedding details with my husband; used to be excited about it; but then, not until you become a bride will you ever realize the agony of the preparations and since my energy is depleting fast, I stood up and leave everything behind to Karel; maybe for a while; but right now, it really feels like not wanting to go back.
Whenever I browse the net, I realized health topics appeal most to my senses. On TV, I'm glued to Lifestyle and Oprah. What's happening??? I used to love HBO and Cinemax. I've just even bought myself BUKAS PALAD (Music Ministry) CD and chose to listen to these heavenly songs for hours until something feels nourished... perhaps, spiritually.
My year just started right. A wish granted, love fulfilled, happy and healthy family, loyal friends, good job and a blessed life. It took a long time before things settled into place. God has surprised me with so many things lately and in a span of 6 months, He carried out His plans for me wondrously. Short as it may seem, but perfect in all angles, not too tidy, not too rumpled, it just fits snugly and comfortably.
Not so long ago, when Ervin and I were still "going with the flow", I've already foreseen what our purpose would be. It was just there hanging, suspended in air for learning. Our love wouldn't have flourished from a magical beginning for nothing. So it's time to put that into use.
True love comes in scarcity nowadays, hope usually tramped down, faith challenged and bent; "Been there, done that..." and it surely is demoralizing, . . dead duck. But life goes on, whether you like it or not, you have to move your butt and fight, otherwise, life just passes you by. It was never easy for me but I took one step at a time until hope dawned on me. Faith became my friend and then Love found me. It came in a disguise at first but the magic was simply irresistable.
In no time at all, Ervin and I realized how plenty of colors appeared in our palette and so we started painting the canvass with our brushes. Now, we are putting colors to people whose lives are in the gray scale, sharing the fire of our love to ignite that tiny sparks of hope to those who despair.
It feels great, incomparable joy whenever we witness a transformation right before our eyes. To actually infect someone with desire to be alive again, is one that's driving me to be a better person. Not all circumstances are favorable, we often hear criticisms, tactless comments, a vaunter's ruthless remark while strutting like a peacock. . . . pity on them. . . I choose to look at these people with empathy for they have already prevented themselves to experience true miracles of life.
Nothing disappoints me more than a person who stagnates and fails to grow. Life is what you make it. Each day, each moment is a learning process and if one chooses to ignore the lesson, then it's as good as a stale bread. How could one heal the world with a stale bread?
) ... but I do have a life of my own. It just feels like I'm gonna miss my friends so much soon and that I don't seem to have the heart to lay them aside. 
If reincarnation of souls is ever true, then someday, not in this lifetime, I will sing this to you. . . .
If it's true from the start,
that the names of those we love are written on our hearts
And we search 'til we find
In this jungle of confusion
Something that reminds us how we love each other;
Then I think I've found the clue
Because I'm certain I remember you . . . .
Through my window I see how the seasons change like notes
within some harmony But the love in our eyes is an endless summer;
Is a joy that magnifies; Each time we touch each other
And it feels like Deja Vu as my heart reveals how I remember you . .
Day after day I'm amazed how our love intensifies;
In every way it resembles forever
Abandons us never; Like the sunlight that shines like the fragrance
of the rose; No single word defines we are tuned to the sound;
That displays creation; That our lives revolve around;
And searching for each other. From a million hearts we choose.
You remember me and I remember you. Day after day I'm amazed how
our love intensifies. In every way it resembles forever;
Abandons us never.
A chorus of sparrows in summer
The fire of maples in autumn
The Silence of snowfall in winter
That's how I remember you . . . .
I forgot the meaning of loneliness when Ervin came into my life. Since that fateful day, everything became so colorful and meaningful which made me feel "at last,... I'm alive!!!" My mornings have been filled with sweet nothings, my afternoons with tender affections and my nights with loving promises, of course, romanticism will be awfully boring without the downside - petty quarrels, indifferences, fears, DISTANCE,.. but that's what make things balanced and more passionate. Just like now, an hour without talking to Ervin feels like a participation with the Hindu system of purdah. Grrrrr..... I know that's why it's called a RETREAT - the company must have intentionally booked a place far and away from interruptions (physically and electronically. . . . . . ) for privacy, peace and quiet refuge. Darn,.. guess not even a single call could be established from where he is right now. Everybody knows that cellphones are indispensable. I totally agree that the most brilliant invention is the cellphone and I can say that my cellphone is my bestfriend. So, instead of nagging people around to turn off their mobile phones and barring electronic gadgets like laptops (and PCs are a person's windows to the whole wide world) - just to preserve and not to spoil the purpose of a Retreat, someone who's smart must have found a safe place. Well, it's only FOR NOW, everything in life,.... is only for now..., life goes on, nothing lasts, life's full of surprises, you'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.... we'll accept the things that we cannot avoid for now,.. FOR NOW DISCOMFORT,.. only for now... pampamparapam,... pampamparapam.... pammmmmm
Like a working bee out from the beehive, hee hee I've been terribly preoccupied with things I've never thought I'd soon be preparing. Exciting, tickle pink.
Some things are really worth the wait, although, sometimes, good things obligate sacrifices.
Few months from now, I would see people dropping their jaws one by one. Hee hee my turn to give a blow!
Last year, I perceived that a new chapter in my life will unfold (check out Nov 16,2006 posting). I've always been intuitive and receptive and each time something that I've sensed came into reality, it reassures me of one thing - the channel between me and The Almighty is directly active. I dunno, but I understand the intangible and the unfathomable. Blessing.
Yes, another chapter unfolded and for its first few pages, I could say it's a bit colorful! Kaleidoscope. Generally marked by felicity, a dash of pine and a spritz of qualm. Actually I'm having fun juggling with these balls of emotions and I'm just glad, someone from afar is there to catch the ball that has been thrown out of the circle.
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